Some children, at a very early stage of their lives, give up their attempts to be seen, and as a consequence they isolate themselves from their parents and assume existential responsibility for themselves. JESPER JULL

Children cannot build a sense of self if they do not have a "mirror" that reflects back their behavior and emotions. Whatever they do, whatever they feel or say, in a word the fact they exist, needs to be genuinely acknowledged by their parents. Speaking of that, acknowledging does not mean praising their every little move ad nausea ("oh, great throw", "good fall", "good catch!"), or the other way around, criticizing and correcting them continuously. Acknowledging means being fully, genuinely present with your child, and celebrate together with him/her the simple happiness of existing, the miracle of being alive. Of course, it is difficult to genuinely celebrate existence, if we view our life as a chain of suffering; if being is considered unproductive and boring, and therefore doing is what we believe should define us; if we consider the world as a dangerous place, which needs to be attacked and tamed. 

Children are happy just to exist. They do not need to be continuously entertained, it is in fact ok to be "bored" sometimes, that stimulates their imagination creativity. By buying them stashes of toys, by pushing permanently a screen in front of their eyes, we drag them further and further away from their own selves, we prevent them from learning to find resources within themselves, rather than permanently looking for an outside source. If given the chance, a child will always choose the validating, genuine presence and interaction with his/her parents, over starring at an iPad. And the human presence is the mirror which allows them to successfully build a healthy image of themselves. 

There are various reasons for which that crucial mirroring does not happen. Maybe the parents are too busy trying to figure out how are they going to get food for the next meal. Maybe they are not even present (physically or mentally) or maybe they are too busy fighting with each other. Or maybe they are focused more on criticizing and coercing the child to "behave well". The reasons are irrelevant, since the purpose of understanding the importance of being seen has nothing to do with blaming the parents or anyone else for that matter. 

As Juul specifies, most of us do not realize until very late in life, when we are already adults, that our own individual self has not been seen and has not been reflected back to us within our family. It is the moment when we might realize that our whole life has been nothing but a search for that original acknowledgement, for that look, or gaze, in which we can reflect ourselves: the reassurance that we exist, that we are important, that we matter. 

Narcissus was somehow lucky and honest: he could afford to just sit by the lake and admire his image in the water all day long. 
Most of us do not do that, instead we are struggling to be recognized, to be "the first"/"the best" in school or at work, we are investing enormous amounts of time and money into accessories and objects that are said to guarantee our visibility in a social system. 

In this struggle to be the best, very often anger and aggression are the signals that we are struggling in vain, that we are knocking at a door that does not and might never open. 

It is my honor and my privilege to work with people who, for one reason or another, were not seen. To help them recognize and come out of the vicious circles in which they are stuck. 

The more often we sacrifice our integrity for the sake of cooperation, the more pain we incur. We can become so good at repressing the pain that neither we ourselves nor those around us notice it. Inevitably, however, we emit a verbal or non-verbal signal that something is wrong. If we and those closest to us take the signal seriously, then understand its significance and change the way we react, the conflict is solved and the pain eases or ceases. If none of these things happens, the signal increases or changes (becomes a physical act instead of a statement). Eventually, an actual symptom will reveal itself. The first signal is fatigue. The ultimate ones are murder or suicide.
JESPER JUUL   

I noticed that many people react to this quote in a very surprised way, after which they tend to say something like "I think this is exaggerated". They have difficulties understanding how can we not notice that, especially as adults, that we often sacrifice our own integrity. 

We live in a world which tends to spin faster and faster, where renewal of objects, trends and behaviors is happening at an intolérable pace. The economy, based on permanent move and change, dictates that the faster you "adapt", the more likely it is to be "successful". The result is life as a vertigo, where pause, slowness, contemplation, are ignored or disdained, deemed "unproductive". 

It is a way of living in which SIGNS of objects have become more important than the objects themselves: if the first (noticeable) layer looks good, that means that the object or the person behind that superficial layer is good. Not only that people do not have time to look behind the appearances. But there are now entire generations of individuals who are not aware and cannot understand that the world is made out of layers, that it has also depth, not only surface. If an apple is big, red, shiny and flawless, it doesn't mean at all that it is healthy to eat, since there is  good numbers of unhealthy chemicals that have been used to create the SIGN of a "perfect" apple.

It is extremely easy, in a fast spinning world that projects a reality formed by signs of objects and persons, to not notice how often we sacrifice our own and our children's integrity? In bigger social systems (countries, states) politicians change laws and constitutions so that they can validate torture and bribery. In smaller social systems, like families and couples, we have created rules which legitimize and promote the sacrifice of the integrity, in the name of cooperation, in the name of becoming "good". 

Therefore, it is only normal that ANGER and AGGRESSION have become such prevalent symptoms in both poor and rich nations. 

It is precisely this repeated violation of one's integrity that creates individuals for whom destructive behavior, whether directed towards others or self, becomes a way of living. 

The first and most common self-aggressive behavior that comes to my mind is the abuse of substances. As a professional I do not endorse abstinence as a way to prevent excesses, unless it seems to be the best solution to put an end to a long process of self-inflicted aggression. But it is still surprising to realize the extent to which the abusive consumption of illegal and prescribed drugs has been normalized. By creating a specific standard of "happiness", sacrificing integrity and individuality in order to appear to have achieved that standard, has become the norm. Showing sings of "happiness" or of "being positive", regardless of how sad or angry we feel, is a prerequisite for being "successful". 

It is precisely this one of the most important sources of aggression: the forceful cooperation, the submission, the clash between reality and the forceful acceptance of  signs of reality. An acceptance that can be possible only if we repeatedly ignore our intuition and sacrifice our integrity. 

"CHILDREN COMPETENTLY EXPRESS, BOTH VERBALLY AND NON-VERBALLY, THE NATURE OF THE EMOTIONAL AND EXTERNAL DILEMMAS THAT THEIR PARENTS ARE EXPERIENCING." 
(Jesper Juul, Danish family therapist, www.family-lab.com)

Jesper Juul does not reinvent the wheel. But he made a vehicle that is truly efficient, albeit uncomfortable to drive. Juul is very different than the average family therapist in quite a few ways:
1. Brilliant Observer: he is willing to notice the adult-child interactions in bus-stops, restaurants, parties, supermarkets. 
2. Honesty: he has the courage to formulate the issues as they are, without coating them in order to appeal to as many parents as possible. In other words, he is not selling a product, but he is sharing his ideas, knowledge and experience as a professional and parent. He has the courage and ability to go beyond the norms, including:
 - the extreme rigidity of parenting cultures like the ones that can be found in Romania, where tight control of the child's behavior is exercised full force and upfront;
 - the extreme flexibility of parenting in California (and other states of the US), where children are let to develop "freely", which often is just another way of giving up parental responsibility, making room for TV and internet to step in and educate the consumer (=individual) they would like to have. 
 - the insidious "togetherness" from Latin American and Latin European families, which traps children in a vicious circle where the emergence of individuality is seen and sanctioned as a threat to the unity (togetherness) of the family. 
3. Systemic Thinking: Juul is able to look at the couple/family/community/nation/etc. as SOCIAL SYSTEMS, which influence one another. For this reason I have the feeling he is probably not liked in many countries. Especially those which value one of the extreme approaches to social interaction: the individualistic approach, or the family/togetherness approach (where the individual disappears within the Family Ego Mass, to use a Bowen term). For similar reasons systemic thinkers like Salvador Minuchin, Murray Bowen, Gregory Bateson are not very well regarded, since understanding and accepting their concepts requires honesty and full awareness of how one's personal reactions and actions influence the social systems he/she is part of. 

So, here are my 2 cents: the way an individual deals with frustration, anger and aggression is closely related to how much his or her dignity has been chipped away throughout life. And not only by parents, but also by teachers, friends, media, pharmaceuticals and politicians. 
I know, thousands of people said this. 
But very few are willing to look at anger from this systemic point of view. The large majority wants to find out about The 5 Easy Steps Toward an Anger Free Life. And since it sells, it is also offered in insane quantities. 

To be continued.